4. kindness

What is it
Exactly?
I recognize the difference,
But I cannot name it.

She has a look, a way about her
I can't define.
I realize my need for her
But know I am unworthy.

It must have a name,
For I know it is real.

Kindness.
--in a glance
--in a touch
--in a whisper

Her eyes speak loudly
And yet, I strain to hear.

Like a child,
Rebellious for the sake of rebellion,
I avoid good sense
Because I desire to be rescued
from my awful state.
To be pitied.

The law was established
To increase fault.
Her law is love
And my fault was indifference.

How shall kindness be repaid?
With more kindness, you say?
But does kindness remain
When met with malice?

Yes.

Though the debt of kindness be unpaid,
Kindness is yet a light.
And the sun still shines
Even if all the world be blind.


It must have been so
with her--

3. close

I paid.
For the food, I mean.
God knows I've been paying ever since.

We sit. We pray. We eat.

I know she suspects me,
But I can't bring myself to explain.
To give reason.
For her to know.

I start.
I know she can't be taking it
As well as she is.
Can her dry eyes possibly be
Sincere?

I begin to explain.
For hours, it seems.

Reason after reason.
But none of substance.
She knows that.

The reasons don't matter,
I have done it
Regardless.

I have torn her apart.


Even now, I struggle
To assemble the pieces--

2. yearning

Where can I go from your spirit?
I cannot escape Your goodness.
As I run, I grow closer--
As deeper I run,
Your depths are revealed.

Was he put before me
To teach me of you?
I am sure of it.
Is his evil meant to expose your goodness?
Yes.

Now my will grows tired.
Now my desires are dull.
I cry out to you, Father--

RESTORE ME.

Grant me the rest your word assures.

I cry
And it's as though I am mute.
My will is subject to yours
Are my requests of substance?


There are times when I have laid awake hours,
My heart still trapped in stagnant dreams.

What dreams do we dream if they go unanswered?
Do they hold less worth?

Of all the dreams I have dreamed,
The most enduring seem subtle. Insignificant.
They are the one's where I  speak my heart


and you hear--

1. regret

who am i
that i should lightly look on love
that i should take, twist, tarnish
and discard --

repeat.

she openly gave
and like a child i took
i suckled the life
i drained it of goodness
i ravaged her spirit

without warning,
i fled.

another, later
gave me the same
as a toddler i tore
scraped, shattered, soaked
and threw.

hers was a miserable state
and when my trickery was through,
i explained what i had done
(as if she didn't know)
but it could not excuse.

again/

again/

again/

I AM LOST.

until i learn
what love is:

love takes mud to make a brick
--takes a brick to make a house
--takes a house to make a home

now i know
she loved me,
but i was blind, unprepared


now i have learned,
but my time may have passed--